Ten Ways To Piss Off A Swat Kat Character
by GreyDog
Summary: Steps on how to piss off characters from this show are inside with our host Chance, Jake, and the author.
1. Chapter 1

TEN WAYS TO PISS OFF A SWAT KAT CHARACTER: How to Start, Escape, and write the Aftermath, are included in this book!

AN: I was inspired by Bleach fan fics which pissed off the Bleach characters and from Autumn Wolf's 'Guidelines for living with Commander Feral and Kats' fic (which was funny by the way).

"Why are you doing this to us?" Chance growled tapping his foot angrily on the floor while staring at the author with a pissed off expression on his face.

"I was bored, I guess and-"

Jake cut him off. "I don't see anything wrong with it Chance. It's harmless right….? Then turned to the author to ask, "Isn't it?"

The author cocked one eyebrow, "Define harmless?" he asked, making Chance's eye twitch.

"You little….rrgh, let's just get this over with!" Chance huffed, crossing his arms.

"Oh, you're volunteering to be first? Alright if you want to," the author said, smiling innocently while Chance's eyes widened.

"Wait, wait, that's not what I meant!" he cried out.

Part One: Chance/T-bone

1. "Callie said WHAT!"

START

Tell him Callie just called him for a date and asked that he pick her up at her house (or somewhere else). He's not gullible but once you think about it he's been living with his partner for who knows how long and you're pretty sure he hasn't slept with a female for long time so he should take the bait fairly easily and really: (one) his junk is rather horny for some action, (two) it's Callie were talking about for god sakes, and (three) he isn't getting any younger.

ESCAPE

You have either hours or minutes, depending on the traffic today, before he calls Callie to check your statement (pray he doesn't). The greatest advice I can give you is to hide where he will least likely find you. Jake might help with the gag or feel bad about it and blab to his buddy...it's a fifty-fifty crap shoot when you ask him for help. And do hide for the entire day; he has a short fuse, second only to the King... Commander Feral.

AFTERMATH

If you're caught:

Age 7-12 or a female: after he screams at you, cry like you never have before. He isn't the kind of tom to make others cry so he'll lower his ears and sigh depressingly then forgive you.  
>Age 13-17: he'll scream at you then ground you for six months... tops.<br>Male and older than 22: expect a whole world of pain when he gets back from the fake date with Callie.

SIDE NOTES: I'm a male but it's too much, Chance just looks so cute in that outfit when he's mad…Get a camera! Money!

2. "I want to make a bonfire with your comic books"

START

Warning: Fire! Do this outside! Only Adults age 18-and up!

When the mechanics are making barbeque hamburgers (or something equivalent) on that day, ask to help them with the cooking. Get everything ready, put the hamburgers inside to cook and add your favorite fire starter, PAPER! But not just any kind of normal boring blank paper, oh no, it's comic book paper fresh from Chance's hidden untouched comic book collection.

ESCAPE

He'll figure out quickly so when he checks the burgers...run for your life.

AFTERMATH

Get ready to feel the dirt in your face when Chance tackles you, do curse his football years for giving him the advantage in this plot. Luckily, Jake will get him off you. REMEMBER: JAKE IS YOUR SAVIOR.

SIDE NOTES: You've got a little dirt on your cheek…um no it's still there…let me help you with that.

3. Retrieving his fears

START

Watch some movies but only show the parts where the characters drown then say things like: "God! Wonder how it feels to have water filling your throat like that?" or "You can barely breathe when drowning" and add sound affects of a drowning person. He'll surely be reminded why he fears water so much. On the matter of bugs ... simply add a whole lot of insects under his bedding while he's sleeping, say...around midnight. Suggest you wear earplugs to avoid being deafened by his screams of terror.

ESCAPE

This gag is one where you don't have to escape as you can pretend to already be in bed and appear just after he screams right along with Jake. Remember to have an innocent expression on your face. He might not realize that you are responsible for years but don't forget Jake. The slim tom might have not been part of your joke but he definitely wouldn't appreciate you making Chance's fears return after working so hard to remove them. So he'll murder you before Chance does.

AFTERMATH

If Jake doesn't kill you, he might force you to sleep next to the now paranoid, scared out of his fucking mind, Chance. The tabby will whimper each time he sees a bug and hug you like a kitten would hug his/her teddy bear. He will follow you around for a year and I mean everywhere until Jake can raise enough money for a doctor to help his buddy out.

SIDE NOTES: Great job! You succeeded in breaking Chance's mind and confidence but don't fret, if you're a guy or a female who is a big fan of the tabby then you'll love the hugs he's going to give you at night.

4. High score!

START

There's this arcade game called 'Space Kats' in the garage waiting room. It's Chance's personal game which he plays for five to six hours at a time...tops. His score is 2 million points but it's beatable if you spend the right amount of time on it and understand the basics of the game and the pattern. In most arcade games the companies always put patterns which are noticeable. Beat his score and tell him you're not really into the game, that will piss him off big time.

ESCAPE

There's really no telling what he might do if you beat his score but my advice to you is leave the salvage yard and never come back...if you smart.

AFTERMATH

If you don't escape then Chance will complain and swear that you cheated somehow. He'll carry on about how he's the better gamer in the house and how you're going down when he beats your score. Most likely he'll make you watch him play as he tries to beat your higher score no matter how long it takes. Anyway, be prepared to be bored mindlessly and have your ears filled with his crows of triumph or cries of anger for weeks, months, or even years to come

SIDE NOTES: Sometimes it makes you wonder if Jake is the only grown up tom in the garage.

5. It's muscles! Not fat!

START

Only do this in public. Call him 'fatso', 'chubby kitty' or 'fatty' instead of his name, loud enough for anyone to hear. The objective is to make him snap and take off his shirt in front of everyone while screaming "It's muscles you idiot! Not fat". When he realizes the consequences of his actions brings unwanted attention, he'll try to put his shirt back on but you'll grab it and run.

ESCAPE

While he's busy chasing you, he'll be pelted by yelled comments from males and females alike, endure wolf whistles and insults as everyone reacts to the sight of a handsome half-naked tom running. It gets even funnier as he gets red in the face from guys soliciting him even though he's straight.

AFTERMATH

Chance will strangle you when he finally gets his shirt back and pulls it on but you won't care as you'll be laughing too hard and Jake won't help as he will be laughing his own ass off. Chance might well strangle Jake too when he's through with you.

SIDE NOTES: I guess it's not fat after all.

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>"Chance calm down….pff," Jake coaxed, trying to soothe his outraged partner while struggling to hold back his own laughter. But he lost the battle and began laughing hysterically while protecting the author from getting killed by the angry tabby.<p>

"Get over here you little bastard so I can rearrange your face," Chance threatened, trying to get past his friend's body.

"I prefer my face remained untouched, thank you very much! Jake, help me!" the author cried behind the slim tom.

Jake was finally able to stop laughing enough to get his partner to calm down by saying, "Oh come on buddy, relax! …just five more to go and you're free then it's my turn and the others."

Chance huffed and bristled his fur. "Whatever!" he snarled looking up at the sky, rudely ignoring the author.

Jake frowned. "Come on buddy, make up to the author. This is all in fun and you're way too sensitive about it." When they both ignored him and gave him a 'wtf' look, he growled, "Do it now! Or I will use my martial arts and teach you both manners."

Eyeing him cautiously, Chance and the author paused in their mutual, angry staring match then looked at each other and shrugged. They hugged as commanded.

"See isn't it better to forgive and forget?" Jake said, a pleased smile on his face.

The two just stared at the slim tom nervously. Both thinking the same thing. He's scary and soo out of character!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
><em><strong>AN: I'll make part two but for now, just read and review people. Also, if you want, give me an idea in the review for the next chapter or who would be next after Chance.<strong>_


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Thank you Ulyferal for been my Beta.**

"Okay, there we go. Are you ready Chance?" asked the author looking at the tabby with a happy expression on his face. He then scooted away when Chance gave him the 'I will kill you look' before turning his attention to the sky immediately. 'Geez, he's worst than Feral!' the author thought.

Jake watched the whole scene with a frown on his face but didn't comment on his buddies' attitude. He sighed and kept on watching, saying "Just do it" to the author.

_**Part Two**_: **Chance/T-bone**

_**6. CxJ or CxF? THE ULTIMATE TUG OF WAR!**_

Start

This one is a piece a cake, just invite a bunch of random people or Kats to the garage that is either a fan to CxJ or CxF. If you don't know what 'x' stands for then you're either a wannabe fanatic or never heard of it in this site. Wait until the tabby comes back to the garage, and make sure to wear some earplugs since there will be an uproar on who should be paired with who. Ha! Gave you a hint on my brilliant plans!

Escape

You don't have to escape right away and could enjoy yourself to a big bowl of popcorn while Chance's arm are been tugged in a tug of war between CxJ and CxF fans. Chance's face is just priceless, it's just so perfect the angel of his lips are at while having that confused face. His anger will sky rocket trough the roof when he figures what the whole political issue is about and who invited them. He will soon get his arms free from those fanatics so, you should run…like now.

Aftermath

FALSE ALARM! He's still trying to get free from those fanatics.

SIDE NOTES: I think…..I broke the fourth wall….shi- I'm mean, hell yeah!

**_7. Kitty_**

Start

When Chance is around public, mostly his old enforcers' friends, ex-girlfriends, she-Kats, Jake, Feral…..and I really don't want to continue this list of Kats so, let's continue torturing the tabby shall we. When he's in public just randomly hug him and say "KITTY!" The main object in this gag is breaking his macho pride. Do exclaim it to get better results.

Escape

It's, again, based on age and sex on how this would affect the tabby-

- Age 1-13 and any gender, his face would flush red and will try to, as gently as possible, get you off of him while getting a hold load of awes from the female population.

-Age 14-18 and either gender, he would just growl at the civilians and snarl mean little words to you like 'get off me'.

-Age 21+ and female, his eyes would literary go white and pass out by the sudden watermelons' (or cherries) suffocating him.

- Age 21+ and male, he would fell really awkward for some seconds while trying to grasp what just happen, then gently push you off him and then walk away.

Aftermath

He would just completely avoid you, his macho pride had been fully broken to fluff just by been hugged. In a few weeks everything will go back to normal. This gag is completely one hundred percent safe to do.

Side Notes: His whole personality is just a hoax…..he has a fluffy tail then he should have a fluffy personality. Its conspiracies I tell you…..ALL OF THEM!

_**8. Don't mess with the Turbo Kat!**_

Start

The Turbo Kat is his 'baby' and is in love with it, and no he doesn't have a sexual fetish for jets since that would be just weird in so many ways. Since it's a she then he wouldn't, *ahem*, mind a, *cough*, a makeover. Chance is just going to 'love' it, I just know it.

The next day, Chance would find a rather pleasant surprise waiting for him in the hanger. His eyes would grow in dismay, his mouth would drop in shock, and his soul would be taken from death upon seen the monstrosity, most horrifying thing known to man and toms alive.

A girly jet…*horror music insert here*

Escape

Once Chance gets a hold of himself, after seeing the new pink body colored jet with a bowtie on it, his attention will turn to you. Hell itself could not control the burning rage within Chance's eyes and the said tabby will slowly begin to walk your way. Do not, I repeat, do not run away my friends…..just give your best idiotic smile and say-

"Now she's a real she" that would push the last string holding him from beating you to a bloody pupil. Run now my little bunnies, the hunt has begun.

Aftermath

You're going to get corner sooner or later. Its 50-50 here and it will decide whether or not you'll survive and tell about it to your friends. If by some chance, some miracle, and some guardian angels doings that the Swat Kat alarm goes off in that exact moment, you'll survive. If not, you're just screwed in the bases of all that is luck. I'll bring some flowers and a priest.

Side Notes: Should I tell both that it wasn't just their jet that had a makeover…..naw they're already in the locker rooms and also I could hear Chance's cry from here.

_**9. Fake Anger Management Therapist**_

Start

Tell him you're a therapist, giving free therapy to his friends and show him a fake ID to make him believe you. He will not agree but luckily Jake would encourage him to do it. When both you and the tabby are inside your office, slap him silly and tell Chance its part of the exercise to a better personality but he cannot hit you back. After fifty hits across the face, Chance would start questioning this exercise while holding his temper.

Tell him this "Yes, we must turn you from Mr. Sour Puss to Mr. Kitty" or "Are you the therapist, ARE YOU? So shut up and take it like a man!"

After an hour Jake would barge in the room and Mr. Kill Joy here would reveal that you are not actually a therapist. He's smart so you could already figure he's been making phone calls to other therapist about you.

Escape

Chance was already finding an excuse to attack you and when Jake came in, blabbing about the false therapy you have given him, he would already be on top of you.

Aftermath

You could-a) Be in a coma, b) Have some broken bones, or c) Dead.

Side Notes: Don't ask, I'm stupid enough to do this

_**10. Scardy Kat….In Real Life?**_

Start

You know the crazy cartoon Kat that Chance just love in the show called 'Scaredy Kat'. Yeah that particular tom! Now listen well and this is what you do, first you would need to find a costume shop, and then buy a suit of the said Kat, and finally dress up and shake your tail on for Chance! You'll be surprised of the outcome though…..

Escape

Surprisingly instead of been chased in anger by Chance he'll be chasing you like a fanboy seeing his star for the very first time. It'll be more awkward when he tackles you and starts nuzzling you….while also licking, biting, and purring the suit. It's very idiotic; it's just you in a costume!

Aftermath

This is the worst plan in action; it backfires on you this trick so, don't do it….unless you want to. Chance would order and demand a one hour of you dressing up as Scardy Kat Mon.-Thur. And DAMN the suit makes you damn sweaty…like really it's like you're in a damn hell or something, god!

AN: Next is Jake! Review, comment, and leave a prank for Jake!

_**Thank You for the ideas!**_


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Thank you**, Deleon25 for beta-ing this.

"So I'm next, aren't I?" Jake asked the author with a smile, which made the author shiver down to his spine in horror of what's to come after this.

The author looked at Chance with a pleading look, "Please don't let him get me, please Chance!" he whispered. The yellow tom, however, just snorted and laughed at him.

"Yeah…..good luck with that" Chance said before sitting down the nearest chair.

Jake: Part 1

_1. Sexuality Conflict and Fanficiton_

_**START**_

Ask Jake about his sexuality and start right out the bat that he's gay or maybe bisexual.

(**EXAMPLE**)

"So Jake…..gay or bisexual?" the calm dummy asked precipitously.

Jake blinked, "Wh-what… No! No no no….no. I'm straight." He chuckled at the dummy's question.

Putting his hands up in defense, "Hey there's nothing wrong with being gay and I'll accept you for who you are, Jake" the dummy said calmly.

Jake rubbed his temple and sighed heavily, "Look I ain't gay….I love Callie. I don't know where this absurd accusation came from or who told you this but I know, for a fact, that I'm straight as a...a..." he said as he tried to figure of what to say.

The dummy smiled wickedly, "As a circle!"

"Yes! Like a cir- wait...what? No I mean like a line!" Jake shouted, flustering in red.

The dummy rubbed his chin, "But a line can be drawn curving!" he muttered.

"I'M STRAIGHT GOD DAMMIT" Jake shouted, rising to his feet in anger and over towering the sitting figure.

"OBJECTION!" the dummy shouted while pointing dramatically at the ginger tom's nose. "I. HAVE. PROOF!" he shouted in a mighty voice.

Jake snorted, folding his arm across his chest. "No you don't!" he said.

"Yes I do"

"No you don't"

"Yes I do"

"No you certainly don't"

The dummy stood up his chair, "Yes I do…in a site called FANFICTION" he dramatically shouted.

"Fan…fiction?" Jake slowly repeated, narrowing his eyes dangerously at the dummy.

The dummy nodded dumbly, "Yes….here's a variation of stories where Feral, some random Kats, and, mostly always, Chance have sexy times with you and have a nice relationship. Oh! And and in two of them you have kittens with Chance" he said as he handed down printed stories to Jake.

Jake read the first story, "Jake felt weak and helpless as Chance pounded his…."he stopped quickly as he read the next few words of the sentence and then turned reddish when he kept reading to himself.

_**ESCAPE**_

While Jake keeps on reading the last few pages, you better had start running if, and only if, you wrote one of those stories. If not, you're good. If yes, then **RUN!**

**AFTERMATH**

If you weren't lucky enough to escape Jake's wrath, then you're either:

A- Dead

B-In a hospital bed

**NOTE: **Akuma the Dark One, you better run because Jake is coming after you!

_2. Blue Razor_

_**START**_

First thing you should do is grab Jake's shampoo, dump all the content, and fill it up with dye fur. He'll be feeling a bit** blue** after the end of this if you know what I mean.

_**ESCAPE**_

*Jake C. /Razor has been hit with **blue dye** and it's not very effective*

*Jake uses **compliment attack** on Pranker and it's super effective*

*Pranker has fainted, Jake wins*

_**AFTERMATH**_

A nice prank to do but very soft to flip Jake's marbles, that tom has more patients than Buddha himself.

**NOTE: **Better luck next time, DNightveil!

_3. The Weakest Member_

_**START**_

Start bashing Jake's statues as a Swat Kat with the clear fact that he's the weakest tom in the entire team. Say how Jake is so weak that Feral's grandmother could take him (which I really think she could judging how built Feral is and how deathly Felina is), or that he's the damsel in distress, apart from Callie, that needs to be saved by Chance every single time.

_**ESCAPE **_

Surprisingly he'll feel very down after all you said to him and it will be Chance who will be chasing you down for it.

_**AFTERMATH**_

In the end, you'll just end in the hospital bed without a single clue what happen to you.

**NOTE: **This is ridiculous! It should be Jake chasing you not Chance!

_4. Is it red fur or cherry fur?_

_**START**_

Start bugging Jake about his fur color and, even when Jake correctly says his fur color, keep on guessing.

(**EXAMPLE**)

"Hey, Jake, your fur color is red, right?" the dummy asked.

"No, it's actually cinnamon" Jake replied with a smile.

"Brown?" the dummy said, scratching his head.

"No, cinnamon" Jake said chuckling.

"Light red?"

"No, cinnamon."

"Oooorraaange...?"

"No….no no, are you even listing to me. I said cinnamon!"

"Pink?"

Jake sighed quietly, "No. Look! Repeat after me….CIN-"

"CIN-"

"-NA-"

"-NA-"

"-MON"

"MANGO!"

"Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me."

"…..Purple!"

"NOOOO….ugh you know what….yes Purple….my fur color if purple all right!"

"Cinnamon it is then!"

"You son of a bit- argh!"

"Blue!"

"THAT'S IT I HAD IT WITH YOU!"

"YELL- Ack!"

_**ESCAPE**_

Sorry but Jake is one feet near you so…he's already beating you up by now.

_**AFTERMATH**_

Hospital here we go!

**NOTE**: Blue, no, cherry, no, pink, no, yellow, no, it's BLUE isn't it!

_5. David Litterbin has been cancelled!_

_**START**_

First things first, how do you get Litterbin out of the television business? Well it's easy, ruin the television show or frame Litterbin for something he didn't commit. Once he's gone, tell Jake you did it and then all hell will break loose. _**  
>ESCAPE<strong>_

Jake really loved that show and he will hunt you down for a month. If you are captured in that said month, you're going to be in a hellish month my friend. _**  
>AFTERMATH<strong>_

From sores, to bruises, to injuries, and finally to broken bones you'll be at if you do this evil deed.

**NOTE: **Hey hospital, it's been awhile since we last meet. It was like it was just yesterday…oh wait it was!


End file.
